Demanding responsibility

It’s time we stop tolerating people of status crossing boundaries. We have a big problem in the larp community. We have talked quite a bit about missing stairs and sexual assault, but people of status seem to be excused, time after time. This has to stop!

Assault, abuse and rape: it happens a lot in our community. It happens way too much. If you think I’m exaggerating, it’s urgently time to take your head out of the toilet. I see it happening all around me at larp related events, I hear so many stories and I’ve experienced it myself.

 

Status

“Who are people of status?”, you may ask. This is not an easy question to answer. Status is not something absolute, but rather relative. You have status compared to someone else. Everyone has status compared to someone else, but some people have status compared to a big amount of people. It’s difficult to realise you have it, since a lot of us are quite insecure creatures. It took me a while to realise that I have status as well, compared to e.g.: newer people in the community. I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me. It’s strange and even somewhat unsettling to realise, but very crucial. Having this social status makes it look like a lot of people appreciate you and approve of your actions. This is a form of social power, and it’s exactly this power that makes consent more complicated. Everyone has status and it’s dangerous if we are not aware of this. The more status you have, the more power and the more dangerous the situation.

 

Consent is not just a verbal “yes”

Is this condescending or patronising to newer people in the community, younger people and people who don’t know as many others? I understand that this may feel so, but it is a complex topic. I don’t want to say that “people with less status” aren’t strong enough to communicate about their own boundaries. I want to point out how difficult consent becomes in situations like this. Consent is inherently complex, but becomes very complicated when status is involved. It’s not always easy to be in touch with your own boundaries, in the first place. Insecurity is a very common, human feeling. Imagine feeling insecure at a larp related event. Maybe you feel like nobody knows who you are, or that you are not very important. When suddenly someone with a lot of social status is interested in you, you might feel better about yourself (“oh someone important likes me, I must be likable”). It’s nice to feel like you are interesting, but if this nice feeling is the reason you say yes to hooking up with someone with a lot of social power, it’s not consensual. It means you wanted to feel liked, feel interesting and had to sleep with them in order to feel that way. If you want to sleep with them regardless of their social status and when it’s not related to how it makes you feel about yourself, only then consent can potentially be established. Back to this larp event: imagine an insecure you and a person with a lot more social status. Add some post-larp emotions, some con tiredness and perhaps even alcohol to the cocktail, and I believe it speaks for itself why this is a potentially very dangerous mix. This is why consent in these cases is not just a verbal “yes”!

 

My story

Almost two years ago, November 2015, I was helping and participating in 4 larp events in Poland for the whole month. I was quite new to the larping community and felt very insecure. In the end of this long month I met one of the other helpers, a good friend of someone I trusted and a well known person/authority figure in the larping community. We had a several sexual encounters that event. I still don’t remember every detail of what happened, but I am now in a position I know it wasn’t consensual. The main reason why this was able to happen was because I felt insecure, wanted to feel liked and this “important person” liking me made me feel better about myself. I’ve learned to label what happened, but sometimes the feeling of guilt still comes back to me. It’s something that still has a big influence on how I relate to sexual encounters, my own body and boundaries. Luckily this person is not part of the community any more. Sadly enough, this is not the only situation in the larp community I personally encountered, although the most severe one.

I always thought of myself as a strong person, who would be able to mark my boundaries clearly. I fell very hard in “starstruck” mode and people around me all assumed that it was consensual. I even assumed that I said yes and that it was consensual for a long time. Until I slowly started to realize I was not okay with it, I didn’t say yes at all, even said I didn’t want it several times and was not given the space to figure out if it was consensual.

 

Your status comes with responsibility

It’s not that age difference or status is per definition problematic, but it requires a lot more carefulness. A drunken hookup at a larp afterparty or convention with little sleep, when there is a large difference in status, can never be okay! There is not enough space for consent! If that means you don’t get to kiss someone, have an intimate physical contact or have sex, that’s that. Your social status privileged comes with a burden to bear and hooking up is not a right! If in a while, the next time you meet, when there is no alcohol involved, the heavy larp/con emotions have had some time to settle down and there is less social pressure, well, perhaps, if you talk long and take things slow, why not. If waiting is a problem in a situation like this, you have a problem. If you really need to hook up with someone to feel good about yourself, then maybe you shouldn’t be in the larp community. Maybe you should take a break, take time off to work on your issues and come back in this social circle when you no longer have the need to act like this.

I’m not arguing against hooking up, one night stands, physicality and sex-positivity. By all means, if it’s fully consensual, enjoy each other in any way you feel like you want to. However, in cases of status, consent is not just a verbal “yes”! It is something that needs time and the right context.

Why is it so difficult to take action in situations like these, or even spot them in the first place? Well, people of status have social proof. They are liked by a lot of other people, seem to have the approval of many others, etc. We often tend to trust the crowd more then ourselves. “No one else seems to think it’s problematic, no one else says something about this.” When we are uncertain about a situation or uncertain about how to act, we look around and conform to the behavior of others.

It’s time that we demand responsibility of people with status. It’s time that we demand them to act responsibly or ask them to leave. Enough excuses, enough derailing the discussion, we need to act and stop allowing this unsafe behavior.

Bottom line: If you don’t realize your own power position, how it influences consent and act accordingly, you should take a time-out from the community.